Sunday, January 17, 2016

Goodbye, I love you.

Yesterday was the start of a new journey. I began removing things from my Mom's house.
After her last hospital stay it was apparent that she needed 24 hour care. Private, in-home care was not an option for us financially and putting her in a Nursing Home wasn't exactly desirable for any of us, so we made the choice to move her in with me. On the same day,we also decided that we needed to lower the price of her house. Her house had been for sale for about a year and a half and we really hadn't had much action. Luckily, it sold right away after lowering the price, and now we have a month to empty it before the new buyers move in. I remember when we were building our house, we would visit it everyday, and I would go up to my bedroom and run around, I was beyond excited, and my Mom - well, she was building her dream home. Putting this house up for sale was probably the hardest thing she had ever done. She had to swallow her pride and move on from one of the things that she felt was her biggest accomplishment. 
Going through a loved ones things after they pass is really hard, but going through their things when they're still living has proven to be even tougher. What a conundrum it is to divide her things as if she is gone when she is sitting right here beside me, but lets be real, this entire situation has proven to be tough. 

As I was going through things yesterday, I stumbled on this photo of my Mom and Dad and I wished that I could remember them together. They looked so happy, so full of life.

Then it hit me, it's hard for me to remember when my Mom was happy. It's hard to remember her before the pain, before the cancer. I kept looking through photos, most of them I remembered or had looked at recently. Then I found a photo of my Mom and I on the day of High School Graduation. My Mom did not like to have her picture taken, she still doesn't, so we do not have many, and I didn't remember having this photo. I was so excited that I would have this to cherish forever, to remember how proud of me she was on that day, but also how sad she was that I was moving away to college. She was always my toughest critic but she is more proud of me than I could ever dream of her being, and I am happy to know that when she leaves this earth that I did the best that I could and for her that was enough. I am happy that I was able to experience years of happiness with her and happy to spend years when finding something to be happy about was one of the toughest challenges of the day. When her oncologist told her that there was no more treatment for her, and it was time to focus on being home and being comfortable, we weren't expecting that news that day. I had brought my youngest daughter Willow with us, and doc looked at us and said, "I have never had to share such sad news with such joy in the room, and I know that it is this joy that has kept you fighting this long. You never should have seen this Christmas he said, and look at you now." I know now that I have to tell her how much she means to me, how much she has done for me and our family, and how much I love her. I know now that I have to let go so that she can too, and I know it is going to be the hardest thing that I have ever done. 


  1. My heart breaks for you. I can understand your feelings and I wish I could do something to help ease your sadness. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Some people never know the love that you have and your future is so bright having been so loved. God Bless you!!!

  2. Ashley this is a beautiful post. Tell her everything ! God bless you. I am so sorry 💝

  3. Ashley I'm in tears right now for you. You are such a beautiful writer and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Your mom loves you more than anything I'm 100% sure, and if she reads this will be even prouder! Just keep loving her everyday, that is all you can do and telling her how you feel will bring you both peace and catharsis. I will be praying for you and your family. Much love!