Saturday, January 23, 2016

Good Vitals

Her vitals look good the nurse says when she comes to change out the morphine in Mom's pain pump. Usually good vitals is a good thing, but my stomach feels eerily sick. We have been watching her imminent now for two days...... 48 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds of staring blankly into space with glazed over eyes, mumbling sentences with a vengeance and we can't make out what she is saying but she wants us to know so bad, or she looks at rest. Resting is definitely the preferred right now, but it doesn't always last long. She hasn't eaten in 7 days, her legs are so frail, so thin and yet she is hanging on to every last gasping breath.

There are no words to prepare you, comfort you, or to help you through something like this. I never realized we would be watching her suffer, she would have never wanted this, and especially would have never wanted us to see this. The only way that I can describe it is brutal. Brutal to witness, brutal to endure. She's starving to death, her organs are shutting down and she has to be dehydrated....she begs for water. She struggles to drink the water, as to not gulp it down in her thirst but to get enough to quench it. 

I have begged God to take her to the home he has prepared for her in Heaven. I will be the first to admit, I have been angry at God for that which I do not understand but I have also been thankful. Thankful to have known her love and thankful to have been chosen to be her daughter. I do not know his plan but I know that whatever it is, we are all a part of it and that some time soon he will take my Mom to live in his kingdom forever and ever, and I will glorify the day he does.

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry for your sadness and suffering. Dont understand myself why some have to suffer so. I think of you and wish I could help you.